clancymmm

And then the day came The day my mind opened Just the smallest of a break So that I could see inside my own thoughts, As if I were an outsider looking in. And what I discovered Was truly disturbing... A Pandoras box Of jumbled thoughts Of half planned ideas. This tiny crack revealed A child's misunderstanding Of what was true And what was not. I saw that I allowed others To control my every action My every thought As if they owned me. I saw how I let others lead me/use me. How I trusted so easily To totally trust Without reason. I saw the people I had let into my life I saw them as they really were Life suckers who had almost drained

I wish I was brave , Brave enough to say Go away Stop talking I don't want you here, In my space In my home On my chair Telling me how I've wasted my life Talking, talking, talking... But I'm not brave. I might implode soon Because I'm not brave enough to explode My mind is screaming Shut up . Shut the fuck up But I nod and agree Yes I nod Yes I know I know I've wasted my life Wasted your time I nod, I agree ( shut up, shut the fuck up) She sits looking at me, I think maybe I need to explain Why I'm such a useless, terrible Person. But then the talk ,talk, talking starts again And I fucking really  REALLY   Need her to SHUT UP S

I've been feeling so scared.. So less than So different So terrified Again A family gathering is about to explode upon me soon I wonder what it will be like Who will talk to me Or not Will the past be brought up Like a slap in the face Again A family gathering is about to explode upon me soon Will I be crying in the toilets Again Will I be able to pretend for hours/days that I'm ok Again A family gathering is about to explode upon me soon I love them all, but we are so very very different And they are many and smart and accomplished And I am just me And I am afraid Again A family gathering is about to explode upon me soon

Still the same, The same as last year. The same as the year before. The same as last month The same as yesterday The day before, Always the same Nothing changes I have learned It is easier to just not try, Easier to give up the fight To stand still, To be the same To let others eat at my remains Like maggots on dead flesh, A statue that never moves or grows, My times of trying are long gone, So I let myself be controlled By others, It is easier than fighting, than trying, So I am still the same, Only my eyes tell my truth, That maybe, just maybe I will move, Given the right alignment with Whatever faith I'm trying on . But I stay the

Did you set out to destroy me? From the moment our eyes,our lives connected Did you set out to destroy me? When I gave up everything,everyone for you Did you set out to destroy me ? Every time I denied the truth and trusted you again Did you set out to destroy me? When you handled my love so carelessly Did you set out to destroy me? The days,the months ,the years passed by touched only by your betrayals Did you set out to destroy me? By being so cruel that I finally had to leave you Did you set out to destroy me? That day That moment That we met

The battle within my mind has been never-ending The dark thoughts always win. I allow others to dictate my feelings; my thoughts; my life. I am worthy A feeling I have never trusted For haven't I always been told ; Always believed that I am so unworthy. I am worthy My mind wants me to distrust those words But those three words are getting stronger I am worthy I need...I want to believe these words I will die if I do not take the leap to believe.. I am worthy I am worthy I will be reborn into a new life if I will just allow myself to believe I am worthy A new strength A new life A rebirth I am worthy And by believing in these three

She lives inside her head Its so busy in there So full of fear and dread There's no time for anything Or anyone else Her mind clamor for her attention - a living thing full of voices and questions Quietest and mistrust Telling her constantly Not to trust too much That her life is useless Her friends a lie Telling her Maybe it's time for you to die She screams "Shut up shut up Youre not my truth " But they yell and push louder at her Willing her to listen To obey their will........ A fragment A spark Ignite to fight And lead her towards some form of light Fighting her own mind with all of her might. She knows she needs to quiet her mind

I think I'm starting to feel and it's at times amazingly clear and sharp and focused while at others times it's  like trying to walk through cottonwool. I've never allowed myself to feel...it always led to danger and uncertainty. But I've reached a point in my life where I want freedom from my self imposed chains. Its new ,exciting, terrifying, challenging yet freedom like I've never experienced before. What's brought about this change in me? I woke up alone one day afraid , a day like any other really, only this time a thought kept rolling round my head. It said to me "if you had died during the night who would know ? You have no one who car

Again A word that grips me like a vice I could survive anything if it were only once Again By the very meaning of the word I have already suffered once I will suffer more than once Again How many times must I endure the torture Again I pray for an end for some mercy for my soul Again I hope it's the last My head questions why but there's never an answer Only the ominous threat of that hateful word It goes on and on ,no end in sight. I finally give up, give in For there are those who delight in my fear and pain For those who live to torture Again Again again again. ...

Another day slips away I've achieved nothing again That is better than the fearing ... In the silence of nothing I can survive Like an unborn babe floating in a mother's silent swell Easy to survive Nothing to strive for Just floating Then the fearing deceneds on me again Screaming for my acknowledgment Crying at me Tearing like a seagull The fearing wills me to listen You are nothing You are no one Worthless Stupid Afraid of your own shadow You know that people see you They laugh at you They love to see you fall To see you fail I cannot let the fearing win Yet I'm too weak to fight it's overwhelming strength So I do nothing I get